House Rules!

There's no question that one of my favorite TV shows right now is "House", but I find myself having to admit that thank GOD the show is a riot, because otherwise it would have been cancelled long ago. Why? For those who have not seen the show, this is a quick summary that you can use for just about ANY 'House' episode. If you are a regular watcher and you miss a show, just bring up this post.

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Opening Scene: People doing stuff. Usually, there is a person who develops a mild medical emergency as a smoke screen to the ACTUAL crisis that will ensue. Nevermind that we all watch the previews all week long and already KNOW who the main victim will be. Main Victim does something really alarming, like seize, bleed or go catatonic.

(intro theme music)

Next: House does stuff. This usually consists of brutal sarcasm, verbal abuse, borderline sexual harrassment and liberal Vicodin popping. House comes up with a scheme to avoid seeing patients in the ER as all the doctors who have privileges are required to do. Beleaguered colleagues shake their heads and smile, or splutter and stalk off in a huff.

Next: Someone (usually Dr. Wilson) clues House in on the "Odd-case-that-no-one-else-can--figure-out". House shoots off whatever seems to be the obvious cause and walks away. The clue-ER shouts out some vital information that makes this case not obvious and House suddenly MUST be involved.

Next: House shares the case with his colleagues. More brutal sarcasm and verbal abuse, more shaking of heads or spluttering, lots of Vicodins popped. The list of possible diagnoses are detailed on a white board and not one person can agree to anything. House tells them to look for all of them. Since Dr. Foreman is black, he is the natural choice to break into the patient's home to look for items that the patient and their family are (naturally) lying about and/or hiding from their medical team. He fumes about this briefly, before breaking out his gloves, mask, and lockpicking kit and going off to work.

Next: Not a single bit of labwork or diagnostic will exist that backs up one diagnosis. Everyone is frustrated. Now is a good time for an MRI! (and more Vicodin.)

Next: Hapless patient loaded into MRI. Invariably, they will begin to have an anaphylactic reaction, bleed, seize or go into respiratory arrest. Hapless patient rescued from MRI vessel of death. (This happens in EVERY episode and I am NOT kidding. If someone says MRI, then some sort of disaster will ensue; You could develop a drinking game around this.)

Next: Medical crisis is narrowed down to 2 different solutions; the treatments to which are not only conflicting, but potentially lethal and will most definitely cause permanent damage to some organ. By this time, so many things have been tried that the patient and/or their family members are (not surprisingly) wary of new ideas and refuse to give approval. House shows up to verbally abuse, or harrass them until they change their minds. It is decided that something must be better than letting the patient die (the timeline of which will have already been decided, despite lack of diagnosis) so ONE of the treatments is started in hopes that the patient will either recover or die. Yay! Patient appears to recover!

Next: House and colleagues are somewhere else in the hospital sharing their victory (more verbal abuse and Vicodin) when pagers start going off.

Next: SURPRISE! Patient is not better! In fact, patient is doing something distressing, like dying or seizing or attempting to smother their newborn.

Next: House is seeing (verbally abusing) patients in the ER quite reluctantly after whatever latest scheme to get out of doing it is foiled. While treating a mildly ill patient, something shows up or something is said that causes House to pause and think for a moment. You can SEE the lightbulb flashing in his head.

Next: SURPRISE! It wasn't one diagnosis, it was 2 diagnoses! One condition's symptoms fooled the doctors into thinking one thing, while another one was lurking beneath just waiting to come out. Also, the patient is probably a dirty whore that was doing something they shouldn't have been doing to cause this to happen. Proper treatment is begun and the patient recovers while "Hallelujah" by Jeff Buckley plays in the background.

Next: House broods alone somewhere or rides off on his motorcycle. The end.

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See all the work I do for you? I've just freed up an ENTIRE hour for you on Tuesday evenings! Use it wisely.